Don't
I don't want you just to tell me you love me.
I want you to tell me you can't live without me.
I don't want you to just tell me you miss me.
I want you to tell me it's painful when you are away.
I don't want to hear you think I'm beautiful.
I want you to tell me that every time you see me, I take your breath away.
I don't want to hear that you willl always be here.
I want you to tell me that you will never hurt me.
I don't want to hear that you will always comfort me.
I want you to actually comfort me when I do cry.
I don't want to hear that you will never leave me.
Don't make promises you can't keep.
Don't tell me I'm the one.
It will hurt more when you break my heart.
Don't tell me you will always love me.
Very few things last forever.
Don't expect for me to be there for you everytime you mess up in our relationship.
I'm not responsible for your mistakes.
Don't expect me to always forgive.
A girl can only take so much.
Don't keep making a bunch of useless promises.
It hurts too much when you break them.
Don't make excuses every time you mess up.
Just take responsibility for your mistake.
It doesn't matter what I ask, Love. For some reason, you have my heart. Please don't damage it, because I only have one, and it belongs to you, no matter what you choose to do with it.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
I like the idea, because it's the much loved cliche of every girl who's ever had her heart broken. However, when I read this, the first thought was "word spew" because it seems like you've got a lot you want to say, but aren't really sure how to say it other than saying it the same way! Don't worry, I have the same problem!
Keep it up though, I'm liking where this is going!
Hi Jamie--
I don't want to read a poem with the same word at the beginning of every other line.
I want to read something that varies and is poetic.
As Snoink said, it's very list-like. Plus there really isn't anything in it that's poetic. It's more like a journal entry then anything. Definitely vary your lines--it rarely works out that a poem that has the same phrase repeated several times throughout the poems goes very far. It's just not interesting and it's like the poem is on repeat and it turns people off. Readers like fluctuation! :] But this also definitely needs some input of poetic elements: similies, metaphors, chosen diction, style, format, broken sentences, etc.
Happy Editing!
Okay
sorry to say this but you come off like a needy girlfriend in this poem. Umm it seems like this is a to do list for guys you date, and its just a list of rude orders.
I don't know if thats the kind of impression you wanted to give to readers, but i have to say that this has to be one of my least favorite poems on YWS, mainly because i hate the type of girl that the girl in the poem seems to be. Needy , Bossy, and Vain
This is just my opinion.
T
Thank you very much. Just wondering what others thought. XD I appriciate it!
This seems too much like a list. Don't worry about constricting your poem into a particular format -- let your soul pour out. It'll be much prettier that way.
Mmm, not too poetic. For a subject like this, which has been done many times before, you've got to create characters we really care about, or the emotion is too dry. Who is "I" and "you"? By the end of the poem, I still had no idea. You need to make them unique. Avoid using cliches, it really prevents you from doing this and the poem becomes stale where you want it to be thought-provoking, and dull where you want it to be emotion-stirring.
This is just a cliche. What is beautiful? It's such a vague word. Use details so we can identify.
That contradicted what you've been listing for the entire poem.
Is the end part of the poem? It really doesn't fit in and didn't work. Anyway, good luck with the next draft.